Tryst with ATMs
Atreyaji had posted a humourous poem on Muse on 23rd April 2010 titled “My Tryst with ATMs”. I had liked it. In response to it, I am posting this equally funny piece.
I am reminded of a humourous piece I read sometime ago on a related matter and liked its in-a-lighter-vein-approach.So I am posting it as a separate posting so that all can enjoy the pun and the fun !
OK…… look don’t hold it against the messenger and I am not sexist and if you read further you will find one for the guys too. Got this in an email and found it amusing and relatively clean and thought you might also. We all have seen variations on these themes in our daily lives.
ATM PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS (Ideal scenario) :
1. Stating in a clear sweet voice, “Honey, we need to go to the ATM.”
2. Kiss ‘Honey’ on cheek after he volunteers and tuck a ‘short shopping list ’ in his shirt pocket.
3. Return to lounging before TV and eating Bonbons while playing with ‘Precious’.
2. Kiss ‘Honey’ on cheek after he volunteers and tuck a ‘short shopping list ’ in his shirt pocket.
3. Return to lounging before TV and eating Bonbons while playing with ‘Precious’.
ATM PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS (as actually practiced):
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate ATM card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM.
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under “Date of Birth”
13. Enter PIN
14. Press “cancel” and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press “enter”
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of checkbook
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two yards
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate cardholder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three miles
26. Release parking brake
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate ATM card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM.
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under “Date of Birth”
13. Enter PIN
14. Press “cancel” and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press “enter”
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of checkbook
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two yards
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate cardholder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three miles
26. Release parking brake
ATM PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS (Ideal scenario) :
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press “enter”
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press “enter”
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
ATM PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS (as actually practiced):
1. Drive up to the ATM while complaining mentally at least, verbally if a buddy is with you, about how darn narrow those drive through lanes are getting and how dangerous those concrete filled steel poles are to fine paint jobs.
2. Open the car window after juggling ¾ gallon soft drink cup and in frustration of finding no place to put it, you decide the roof is a good place for it, you put it up there.
3. Glance at instructions on ATM.
4. Insert card into machine, call wife on cell and ask her to look under keyboard where all numbers are stored and enter the PIN she provides.
5. After PIN is rejected, begin complaining (as in #1 above) about how they make those keypads for people with small fingers. Recall wife again and irritate her again and reenter the same number she first provided.
6. Enter amount of cash required and stop to recalculate if you’re getting enough and press, “enter”.
7. Turn half way around in the seat several seconds after the honking has stopped behind you and if the driver is
a) female, smile and wave;
b) male, smile and flip the bird.
8. Wondering what’s taking so long with the transaction you read the, now flashing display on the little screen, which informs you that there is a problem with your transaction and you need to start over.
9. Repeat steps 5 through 7 as many times as necessary until you adopt a slow deliberate manner to insure if a mistake is made this time, it’s the ATM’s fault, not yours.
10. Retrieve cash, card and receipt. Cash is folded around card with a practiced one-hand technique and placed in shirt pocket. Receipt is crumpled and it somehow magically disappears (and is only to be found by the next owner of the vehicle). The list given by wife mysteriously disappears somewhere around this time as well. Which leads to free range memory being used in stores later. Which quite possibly leads to sleeping on the couch for the next night.
11. Close window while thinking about where you need to be sometime down the road.
12. Drive away, scarping chrome off your bumper on one of the concrete filled steel poles you commented on earlier.
13. Stop somewhere for another ¾ gallon soft drink to enjoy as you wash the last one from where it spilled on the roof and trunk or got dumped into the back of the truck.
2. Open the car window after juggling ¾ gallon soft drink cup and in frustration of finding no place to put it, you decide the roof is a good place for it, you put it up there.
3. Glance at instructions on ATM.
4. Insert card into machine, call wife on cell and ask her to look under keyboard where all numbers are stored and enter the PIN she provides.
5. After PIN is rejected, begin complaining (as in #1 above) about how they make those keypads for people with small fingers. Recall wife again and irritate her again and reenter the same number she first provided.
6. Enter amount of cash required and stop to recalculate if you’re getting enough and press, “enter”.
7. Turn half way around in the seat several seconds after the honking has stopped behind you and if the driver is
a) female, smile and wave;
b) male, smile and flip the bird.
8. Wondering what’s taking so long with the transaction you read the, now flashing display on the little screen, which informs you that there is a problem with your transaction and you need to start over.
9. Repeat steps 5 through 7 as many times as necessary until you adopt a slow deliberate manner to insure if a mistake is made this time, it’s the ATM’s fault, not yours.
10. Retrieve cash, card and receipt. Cash is folded around card with a practiced one-hand technique and placed in shirt pocket. Receipt is crumpled and it somehow magically disappears (and is only to be found by the next owner of the vehicle). The list given by wife mysteriously disappears somewhere around this time as well. Which leads to free range memory being used in stores later. Which quite possibly leads to sleeping on the couch for the next night.
11. Close window while thinking about where you need to be sometime down the road.
12. Drive away, scarping chrome off your bumper on one of the concrete filled steel poles you commented on earlier.
13. Stop somewhere for another ¾ gallon soft drink to enjoy as you wash the last one from where it spilled on the roof and trunk or got dumped into the back of the truck.
E…n…j…o…y….!!
Have a nice day at your ATM the next time !!
Brocaji, First off, we need to thank the ATMs for providing such a hilarious or seriocomic fare as you’ve served us with. Considering that the ATM kiosks are equipped with secret video cameras (which secret is an open one), our fairer sex frequently touching up and checking their makeup is understandable. And curiously, when there is a break-in and robbery of an ATM, the camera, most usually, reveals that there was no tape in it. An amusing read. Best regards.
U Atreya Sarma, Secunderabad-56
Apr 24, 2010
Good one, Brocaji, you have converted them into AHMs (Humour Machines).
G S P Rao, Hyderabad
Apr 24, 2010
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First of all, I will definitely remember not to wait in the Que if there is a lady using the ATM;
But not quite a fair quotient – Ideal – 3 compared to Actual – 26 for the Females and Ideal – 7 compared to Actual 13 for Males. But all in all it was a very amusing read especially the “looking in the mirror and checking the makeup etc” so Im sure all who have read this have got amused at the pun in the fun.
Enjoyed. Thanks