Sperms,ahoy !

Sperms,ahoy !
A recent Bollywood movie named “VICKY DONOR” has caught the public’s eye and has set cash registers of John Abraham’s production house ( its his maiden production ) ringing !
Here is the story and the movie review:
Unemployed Vicky is urged by a fertility sexpert to make better use of his ‘wasted’ sperms. He turns this into a ‘productive’ idea, until it becomes the origin of more troubles.
Movie Review:
Looking for designer babies anyone? With the looks of Brad Pitt/Aishwarya? The stardom of SRK? The talent of Lady Gaga? Well, you need a super-sperm that’s one in a million, and Vicky Donor (Ayushmann Khurrana) is full of the ‘spunk’ that your fertile imagination needs. He’s the biological dad of 53 healthy children! Want more? He’s unemployed, single, and his view of sex is, jitna mile, utna kum. But don’t slam him as a sex-maniac just yet. So what if all he does is ‘shag’ for a living. At least he breeds joy, cheer and sperms all over the world. Vicky’s over-the-top Punjabi mother (Dolly Ahluwalia) – 100 decibels above average noise levels – constantly nags her puttar about his worthlessness. On the other hand, he’s pampered by granny Biji (Kamlesh Gill) – more progressive than all the Dilli-wali kitty party aunties. In the meanwhile, fertility expert, Dr. Chaddha (Annu Kapoor), is frantically looking for a sperm donor for his rich clientele. Vicky is his perfect find, with the Alexander of Sperms. But obviously, he can’t disclose anything about his baby-boom(for the moolah, of course) to anyone. It’s just too unmanly for a Punjab da sher. Even the love of his life, Ashima Roy (Yami Gautam) who he eventually weds, is kept in the dark. This plants the seed for other complications, which pop up as surprises later.
Ayushmann Khurrana is rock solid. In this tailor-made debut, he’s natural and impressive. He doesn’t come from a filmi gene pool, but he’ll hold his own (pun intended) in Bollywood. Newbie Yami Gautam is the estrogen element in this sperm-dominated enterprise. She’s a sheer delight to watch, emoting effortlessly.
What keeps this film together is the solid supporting cast. Annu Kapoor, in a convincing performance, is bankable as ever. He only speaks sperm language, referring to men as ‘complicated sperm’, ‘confused sperm’, et al, and giving advice on how to ‘up’ the count. Dolly Ahluwalia, plays the dominating mother and saas-serving bahu with melodrama and laughable lines. The unforgettable act is Kamlesh Gill, lighting up every scene with sasuma-like sarcasm, interspersed with witty one-liners and a drunken scene that cracks you up.
Director Shoojit Sircar is back with a bold, first-of-its-kind concept that’s taboo. He makes this sperm of an idea swim all the way. He intelligently uses comedy to break mindsets, without embarrassing moments or awkward lines. The film entertains, without preaching sexual moralities or social service. Even the music blends beautifully with the story. The winner here is the script (Juhi Chaturvedi), penned with subtlety, oodles of non-slapstick humour, while sensitizing the cause at hand. However, the lingo gets too Punju at times and the last twenty minutes could do with some editing.
It takes a man to make a film like this, literally. Kudos to John Abraham for his brave maiden production. Thankfully, this sperm hits bulls-eye.
The movie has shamelessly spawned many jokes on the species called sperms, to tickle those who enjoy such steamy stuff! Sample these selected jokes collected from various sources:
Sperm Donation
A man in his 30s walks in a sperm donation clinic. Now this is a very smart man who spent his whole life studying in his high school years. never went to any party in his life. He finally decides to produce a child, by donating his sperm to a bank, so he can say he passed on his seed. The doctor takes him down a hallway, and stops at a room. he says to him “Heres a container, and a few playboys. Just go in the room and do whatever you gotta do to fill it.”
1 hour goes by. 3 hours go by. 5 hours go by, and finally 11 hours go by. The doctor knocks on the door, and asks if there anything the matter. He walks in, and the guy is holding the container. “I couldn’t get the lid off”
Sperm bank joke
Q. How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A. Ring them up and say you can’t come.
Father daughter talk
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth. The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, “So what made you wish to know about sex?” “Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”
Vanilla Pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.” The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
Sperm dialogue :
Two sperms are swimming. The young one says:
“Hey, how long is it to get to the ovaries?”
To which the other replies:
“Ovaries? We haven’t passed the tonsils yet!”
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm  when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it  into his mate.  So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean  every time one unloads.  And you wonder why the ocean is so salty?
Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ?  A: You come in one and go in the other.
Sperm dialogue :
Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?
A: Fuck it..we’ll never find an egg in all this shit. 
Sperm Donor
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?” Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.” Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.” The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?” Woman: “Unh unh,” she replies, her mouth tightly closed.
There is this really old guy, like 80 years old. He comes into a hospital and says: “I Wanna donate some sperm.” So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with the sperm.
The next day, he came back but the jar was empty. So, the nurse asks “What happened? Where’s the sperm?” Well, he replies: “I went home and I tried so hard! I used my right hand and then my left hand. Then my wife tried! She used her right hand and then she tried her left hand! Then she used her mouth, once using her teeth and once without. Then we asked our neighbor to come over and she tried with her left hand and then her right hand! then she tried with her mouth, once with her teeth and once without.”
The nurse gasps.. “Oh dear! You even asked your neighbor!” The man says… “Yeah.. and we still couldn’t get the jar open!
Q: Why do they pay sperm donors? A: Because otherwise they’d stop coming!
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