Shayari -2…

Poetry

Shayari
 
Tum jab muskurati ho tau jee karta hai ki meri sansein ruk jaayen,
Tum jab baat karti ho tau jee karta hai ki waqt tham jaaye,
Tere pyar ke liye tau main umar bhar tarasta rahunga,
Kahin aisa na ho ke yeh dil milne se pehle, bichchad jaaye.

By Dr Pooja G Bhuyar, Sep 21, 2009
Bijapur, pooza_29@yahoo.com

J S Broca’s transliteration:
 
When you smile, I wish my breathing stops, to cherish the moments
When you talk I wish that time stops, so that I can savour the moments
I thirst for you, life-long my love, quench it with the flavour of the  moments
Ensure your heart meets mine, and seals the bond of magic moments.

Jatinder Saheb, the translation needs improvement, specially the last line. -Mallick

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Dear Pooja,  Beautiful Shyari… enjoyed both the Hindi version and the English.
Congrats to Brocaji too. Regards warmly,
Lina Mistry Tandel, Varginia, USA
Sep 23, 2009
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Dear Thara, Thanks a ton. Have a nice day. Dear Jasneet,  My heartfelt thanks to you.
Shall try writing many more in future. Dear Sanjay,  I wish you had posted your version.
I would have read it. Thanks for sparing sometime and reading my shayari. Best wishes.
Dr Pooja G Bhuyar, Bijapur
Sep 22, 2009  
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Chandrashekhar Sir,  Thanks for a very warm comment. I am delighted. Jitoo Uncle, I think everyone has actively participated and have added colours to our shayari. Isn’t it? Thank you very much.Nalini Madam, You have translated it very nicely.
I am happy to see that my shayari has inspired many in bringing out their translations. I always fear translation as I find it a difficult task. Best wishes.
Dr Pooja G Bhuyar, Bijapur
Sep 22, 2009  
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Atreya Uncle, I shall try and do my best. Thanks for those sweet words.   Chandramouli Sir,  I am glad to read your response. Thank you very much for appreciating my shayari. It is just an attempt.Best wishes.Seshu Uncle, The tanka has given much more
fresh feel to the shayari. I am very happy to read the same. Thank you very much.
Best wishes.
Dr Pooja G Bhuyar, Bijapur
Sep 22, 2009
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Dear Nalini ji, thanks for your beautiful and short and sweet translation. It certainly outshines my attempt. Keep helping with your dextrity with words.
J S Broca, New Delhi
Sep 22, 2009
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Kudos for your beautiful shayari Pooja. Brocaji, I tried putting it in Tanka:Tanka (Pooja’s poem)
My breath stops each time
You speak or smile and I wait
For eons lovelorn–
Shall our love not depart us
Before our two hearts meeting!

Seshu Chamarty, Hyderabad
Sep 22, 2009  
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Dr. Pooza, Lines are not matching with each other.Improve it.
Sanjay Suman, New Delhi
Sep 22, 2009 
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Respected Dr. Pooja ji, Great shayri, I thoroughly cherished Broca Sir’s transliteration
too. Warm Regards
Jasneet Kaur, New Delhi
Sep 21, 2009
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Pooja, excellent composition.
Thara D’Souza, Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala
Sep 21, 2009
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Every time you smile, I wish my breath stops midair
Every time you speak, I wish time takes a pause
Tormented for your love I remain forever
Before our hearts can meet, I fear we may part

Nalini Hebbar, Nellore
Sep 21, 2009
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Dear Mallick ji, thanks for your suggestion. I had tried several variations of the last line and thought that the one finalised was OK but now that you have read it and suggested improvement, I have come out with the following :
I hope our hearts don’t part, before sealing the bonds of those magical moments.
I hope it meets your approval.Esteemed readers of Muse can come out with some more
improvements. Thanks !
J S Broca, New Delhi
Sep 21, 2009 
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Brilliant attempt…wish you continue to give such master pieces!
Chandrashekar, Hyderabad
Sep 21, 2009
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Nice poem. The fourth line may be modified as:
Hopefully before the hearts meet,they won’t drift. Regards.
T. S. Chandra Mouli, Hyderabad
Sep 21, 2009  
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Dr Pooja, May the yearning of love be fruitful. And so assuming, would you please conceive and pen its sequel, dear nice neice?
U Atreya Sarma, Greenfield, Wisconsin
Sep 21, 2009