Aviation news and laughs….

                  

New Delhi: Jet Airways terminated the services of 43 trainee junior technicians on contract as part of its restructuring exercise in view of the challenges of the global financial downturn. “These personnel are on fixed term contracts and the notices have been issued in accordance to the terms of their contract and law,” a Jet Airways spokesperson said.
 
On reading the news item, I was reminded of some very funny quotes etc on the subject of aviation etc.: Don’t Attempt To Fly While You Laugh. !!
 
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. 

My first wife didn’t like to fly, either.— Gordon Baxter
 
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.— Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel
 
WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT:

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to do. That’s why there are so many pilots flying around these days.Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared it it’s foggy and they can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News..
 
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.— Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board. It was Mark Twain who said, “Never try and teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.”
 
Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old? — Anon
 
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.— George Bernard Shaw
 
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.— Mark Russell
 
The light at the end of the tunnel is another airplanes landing light coming down head-on to the runway you are taking off from.— Robert Livingston, ‘Flying The Aeronca.’
 
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?— Anon
 
I’ve flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?— Don Taylor
 
Newton’s Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander’s Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.— sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971
 
It was 1977 and we were on an old DC8 Air Ceylon coming in to Colombo, Ceylon from Bangkok. The landing approach was pretty bumpy, but the biggest bump was saved for when we hit the tarmac – a massive shudder and shake – at least I hoped it was the runway.. We were soon however airborne again and climbing steeply when a voice with a heavy Indian accent came over the PA as follows:I am sorry about the landing ladies and gentlemen, the pilot will now take over.— Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.
 
Muhammad Ali: Superman don’t need no seat belt.
Flight Attendant: Superman don’t need no airplane, either.— quoted by Clifton Fadiman, ‘The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes,’ 1985.
 
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has “deregulated” the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.— Dave Barry, ‘Iowa — Land of Secure Vacations.’
 
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. “Orville,” he said, “all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!” You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.— Dave Barry, ‘Sex and the Single Amoebae.’
 
Our headline ran, “Virgin screw British Airways.” We’d have rather preferred ‘British Airways screws Virgin,’ but we had to run with the facts.— News Editor, ‘The Sun’ newspaper.
 
If God had meant man to fly, He would never have given us the steam railway locomotive.— A Great Aviation Quotes reader’s late great aunt.
 
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.— Mel Brooks
 
If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control.— Lister, in the BBC TV series, ‘Red Dwarf.’
 
If God had meant Icarus to fly, she would have given him a cloudy day.— Leon M. Wise
 
If God had really intended men to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.— George Winters
 
In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours — one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.— Neil McElroy, ‘Look,’ 1958.
 
Insurer: It was pilot error.
Pilot: It was design error.
Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer.
Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.
— A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the ‘glass cockpit’
 
I wanted to go back for another 50 missions, but they ruled it out because I had a case of malaria that kept recurring. So I had to stay in the States and teach combat flying. I was shot down by a mosquito!
— Frank Hurlbut, P-38 pilot.
 
United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.— Ed Thompson
 
If black boxes survive air crashes — why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?— George Carlin

Aviation Dictionary:
 
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy’s promotion party.

Roger: Used when you’re not sure what else to say.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

Stall – Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
 
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.
 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in “altitude-hold” mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You’ve just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it’s sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don’t step on ’em so hard!

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore
 
A joke told repeatedly at aviation industry conferences puts a man and a dog in an airplane. The dog is there to bite the pilot if the man so much as tries to touch the controls; the pilot’s one remaining job is to feed the dog. Many aviation veterans have heard the joke so many times that is possible to tell those in the audience new to the industry by their laughter.— Gary Stix, in Scientific American, July 1991.
 
Hope you enjoyed the flight !!