Archive for » July, 2009 «

professional limitations

PROFESSIONAL LIMITATIONS


Sometime ago, I had read a funny matrimonial ad in a news paper. The ad went thus:” A girl with forty acres of land, wishes to marry a boy owning a tractor. Please send a photograph of the tractor…..”.A girl from an agriculturist family has her own specifications and limitations. 


                     

That set me thinking about other professionals in different fields. A professional knows his own job and his limitations much better than others. Lets just imagine various professionals drafting their own ads for the matrimonial market! How would their ads read like? Here are a few samples. No malice intended please. Enjoy them with a pinch of salt! 


A Banker: ” Wanted a bride with principles, who takes interest in me, credits me with her service but does not debit my saving bank account with huge shopping bills….”


A Doctor: ” I have been recently injected with a strange love-bug or bacteria, making me desirous of matrimony. I am in search of a girl who is patient and has deep knowledge of various ills and pills, is religious-minded and keeps away from all sins such as anacin, metacin, crocin etc. I promise to be a good husband with no side effects. Apply care of…....”


A Car Mechanic: “Wanted a sturdy girl, in good working condition. Should be above average and must be able to run home at a good speed. Dents will not be tolerated, specially in head-gear. Mobile number …......”


A Lawyer :” I hereby beg to submit my application as an eligible candidate for the post of a husband after marriage. The person whom I am looking for must be a girl and strictly a girl. She should be ever willing to submit and surrender herself to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection will be over-ruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence to Box Number…if you have the confidence of meeting the stiff laws.


An Alcoholic:” Wanted a sober girl. Her father should preferably have his own soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic and drink only when friends come home. Friends come home seven days a week. Girl must also know how to carry me from bar to bar to ghar-baar. Meet personally and send soda sample for trial. Sample must be ample…..”


A Shayar :”       Badi muddaton key baad ek arzoo jagi hai,


                             Ki hum bhi shaadi shudaa ho jaayein,


                            Kya wajah hai shaadi karaane ki,

                            Lo kahey detey hain sahi sahi,

                           Yaaro,abb khud sey kaam ghar ka hota nahi “  

Readers can try drafting similar ads on behalf of other professionals and join the bandwagon!!     

E..N..J..O..Y !! 


   









 

 

 

Emerging “isms” of the new economy


Emerging ‘isms’ of the New Economy

(from :managementparadise.com)

 

Sometime back,I had read these hilarious new “isms”.I reproduce them for your reading pleasure !

 

                      

 

INFOSYSism

You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism
Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows & wonder why they don’t run fast.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn’t give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don’t know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don’t have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world’s thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2…stay on line if you’d like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don’t know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that’s his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don’t yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.


   

 

customer is king

Dear Readers, the following article of mine has been published in our Bank’s house magazine :” Taarangan” in its latest issue of June 2009, on pages 44-45. 


family: Times New Roman;”>CUSTOMER IS KING                                                                                                                                                                               


                                                 By : J. S. BROCA

                                     Retd. Staff, New Delhi

Iwas recently reading an article with  the captioned title, published in


“Synnovation Magazine” issue Five, an EDS Agility Quarterly publication written by Rob Lloyd, Senior Vice President of Cisco Systems Inc. USA. He talks about the importance of the customer with reference to a company in general. Accordingly, I would like to share with the readers of Taarangan”, relevant portions of the article, which appeared in the magazine and I have modified it so as to specifically apply it to banks.


Banks have since long acknowledged the importance of the customer but one look at today’s environment makes it amply clear why the customer must be the focus of greater attention now. Competition is now everywhere around the globe and margins have become thinner. With this background it is clear that Banks must look for faster, better, cheaper products and transactions for sustainability. Bank’s future profits will most likely come from providing customers with rich and rewarding experiences that will keep them coming back. An enhanced customer experience doesn’t simply mean better customer service. It means a major shift in the way Banks engage with customers. Banks have now entered the interaction stage and it is this change that will transform Banks from service providers to experience providers. 


The total customer experience is the sum total of every interaction the customer has with the Bank. Simply put, the customer experience equation looks like this: 


Total Customer Experience = Customer’s Product Experience


                                                  + Customer’s Transaction Experience


                                                  + Customer’s Interaction Experience.


Out of above factors, product experience is the most fundamental. Is the product or service excellent? Does it meet or exceed customer’s needs? Consider the experience of buying a cup of coffee: Is the coffee hot? Is it strong enough? Does the brew taste great with every sip? The product experience is the sum total of all the experiences with the product.


The transaction experience covers the routine exchange of information, goods and services for money. For example, when you are making an on line purchase, one of the first things you notice is whether the website is easy to use. Is the shopping process intuitive? Do you feel secure using your credit card? Have all reasonable expectations been met? Banks have by now become well versed in product and transaction quality. The new frontier in the battle for customer supremacy is the final piece of the equation: the interaction experience. Like transactions, interactions involve an exchange of information, goods and services for money but with interactions, the exchanges are qualitative rather than quantitative. They are driven by Bank’s knowledge of the customer’s preferences and the Bank’s ability to adapt as preferences change.  


Customers prefer to do business with Banks that understand their unique needs and preferences. The Bank that can provide a product or service and the total experience that wraps around the offering will be able to increase revenue and remain competitive. Forward thinking banks understand this. Well treated customers become loyal customers and loyal customers remain Bank’s best bet for greater revenue and profits. Loyal customers give a larger share of their wallet to their favourite Bank/product, are less sensitive to price, tend to increase spending as they move through the Bank’s life cycle, and provide a great source of customer referrals.  


Banks will now have to focus on a combination of people, processes and technology to achieve success and stay competitive in the new interactive economy. They will have to invest in networking and knowledge technologies to help create more personalized customer experiences. And they will have to alter the staff’s mindset to deliver a rich customer experience to each and every customer. If customer loyalty is a competitive necessity, how do we ensure that our Banks have adopted the mindset and deployed the necessary tools to shift from customer transactions to customer interactions-that is from fulfillment of requirements to customer experience?  


The goal for Banks is to get to know each customer by name, behaviour, product preference and communication preference.


Banks can meet the challenge by adopting the following fundamental strategies:


 Changing the Paradigm


Banks need to become “flatter”, giving employees more autonomy to make substantive decisions. That is because the customer experience will increasingly depend not on routine, easy to automate processes, but on unpredictable, hard to automate knowledge workers. Rules and policies will need to be replaced by options and exceptions. 


Utilizing the Network 


The network is no longer just infrastructure or bandwidth. It provides a platform for delivering the customer experiences which are so important for success in today’s environment. The network of the Banks can deliver a consistent well connected customer experience across all their branches, be it in India or abroad. With a minimal additional investment and a bit of re-engineering, Banks can create tremendous value by building customer databases that provide a single view of the customer, deploy end-to-end networks that manage data from capture to action and design communication systems that integrate all the products and services that define the customer experience. 


Update Business Processes 


Banks will have to plan for maintaining a core database of customer profile, preference and usage information. Usually, such information is mostly retained in department databases or with third parties. Banks will have to integrate the data that not only helps them understand the customer but also help the customer understand the bank. 


Educate the Workforce 


Management skills, interpersonal skills and problem solving skills will be the most important qualities for employees over the next decade. These skills will be particularly important in customer-service which is a function where personal chemistry and creative insight matter more than rules and processes. 


Develop Multiple Channels of Communication 


A large part of creating positive experiences is allowing the customers to communicate with you when, where and how they desire. The bank’s network can be used for providing more efficient  transactions and for orchestrating a large number of customer interactions. A wireless network with appropriate technology which can integrate and deliver data, voice and video with ease will be a vital instrument which will enable seamless customer interactions over various communication channels. 


Monitor and Reward Loyalty 


You can’t reward loyalty if you can’t measure it. Banks interested in moving from a transaction model to an interaction model will have to think of ways to create procedures and policies that identify and reward customer loyalty at the right moment. 


Collaborate Internally 


Today the biggest opportunity for creating a satisfying customer experience is through collaboration among all the departments of the Bank. Incentives will have to be given to employees to collaborate more effectively. 


Collaborate Externally 


Collaborating with the customers is a great way to learn about and improve the customer experience. According to the surveys done elsewhere, it is observed that a very large portion of new business ideas come from customers and market intelligence. Banks will have to design products to involve their customers more closely in new products and share more information with them. The most important step for the banks is to ensure that the bank’s network connects as many people in as many places to as much information as possible. 


Conclusion 


In conclusion, banks will need to make significant changes to stay competitive. This time around its all about customer experience and those Banks that create the most satisfying experience will reap the greatest rewards. —


Readers can explore “Broca’s Doodle Pad” by browsing google. He is available at   jsbroca@yahoo.com

monsoon musings



monsoon musings


 



 


Monsoons generally stir up the poet inside many of us. Shri Atreya Sarma of Muse fame, penned and posted the following musings on 24th July 2009. :


 


Monsoon at peak


Men sucked


Into manholes                             


 


Monsoon at peak


Clogged drains


Traffic snarls


 


Monsoon at peak


Anticipating it


The bill-keen contractor


Patches up the road


Just the day before


 


Monsoon at peak


Pushing my car


Dripping with sweat


 


Monsoon at peak


Drinking water


And drain


In illicit sex                        


 


Monsoon at peak


Dogs and birds


Waiting in starvation


Along with beggars


 


Monsoon at peak


Bespectacled


Wishing


They had wipers


 


Monsoon at peak


Reluctant shutting                    


Of doors and windows


Mopping the ‘power’less floor                    


In dark suffocation


 


Monsoon at peak


Tickets sold out


Match cancelled


 


Monson at peak


Shopkeepers


Counting raindrops


 


Monsoon at peak


Mother earth


Having bath


To heart’s content


 


Monsoon at peak


Inexpensive honeymoon


For newly weds


                                                     


                                                       


 


In response to these , I too penned some more musings. Sample them :

 

1.monsoon at peak

   childs paper boat

   drowns. 

2.monsoon at peak

  girl’s make-up -

  a frown.

 3. monsoon at peak

    fiance fries fry-ums

    for fiancee. 

4. monsoon at peak

    couple under

    umbrella huddle.

 5. monsoon at peak

    raindrops on tin roof

    sa-re-ga-ma-pa…  

6. monsoon at peak

    hot “bhutta” at

    roadside. 

7. monsoon at peak

    I sing on harmonium

   “Ajooh naa aaye baalma,

    Sawan beeta jaaye “

 

Thanks for the inspiration dear friend ! Readers, your musings are welcome. Enjoy the rains….....

 

 

         

nappies for donkeys



Nappies for Donkeys

 


             

About two years ago I had read the following news item in a reputed daily.


Quote: If Charles Dickens’ Mr. Bumble had been transported from 19th century England to the town of Limuru in 21st century Kenya, he might not have stopped with stating that “The law is a ass — a idiot!” He might have gone on to alliteratively add while correcting his grammar that “the law is an ass’ arse!”


For those who came in late, the town council of Limuru, located some 50 km to the north-west ofKenya’s capitalNairobi, had decreed that donkey owners should put nappies on their animals with effect from July 16 to ensure that the streets were clean.


However, the council put its nappy plan on hold (pun intended!) in the face of vehement opposition from donkey owners and critical media coverage.


Limuru trader Simon Kamau, who uses donkeys to transport water to his clients, was quoted by the BBC News as saying, “in all the three years I have been in this business, I have never tied a nappy on a donkey. The problem is that the donkey can give you a fatal kick. I was once kicked by a donkey and it broke my leg. What the council should do is come to us traders and show us how to tie nappies on the donkeys.”


Another donkey owner was quoted as saying, “if we have to put nappies on our donkeys, soon they will say our cows need them to!”


However, even while donkey owners like Kimani and residents like John Kinyanjui say the council would be better advised to employ more sweepers to clear up the mess, Limuru mayor James Kuria seemed determined to go ahead with the nappy plan.


Noting that he had heard that in some areas owners were putting nappies on donkeys, Kuria announced in true bureaucratic style that “we will go to these areas and see how they do it and come back and show our people how to do it. We want the people to earn a living but, at the same time, we must keep our town clean.”


What will they think of next? Putting socks on octopuses!


Unquote


Suddenly, I thought of this story today when I saw our colony littered with donkeys’ s***t .  


A donkey owner was loading rubble from a house under construction and dumping it at a nearby pit. He had around 6 donkeys and the poor animals looked tired and hungry after a hard days tough work. While doing the job the donkeys had “dirtied” the lane. The owner of the house told the donkey owner to clean the lane in front of the house at least. But he refused to do so. A long altercation followed…I walked away thinking how such problems could be solved. Immediately the above news item came to my mind. The suggested solution of tying nappies seems good but is not possible to implement as it will add to the poor donkey owners’ costs. Even otherwise, the poor owner hardly earns enough to feed himself and his 6 donkeys in these days ! So lets leave it at that …!


Dear Readers, if you have any comments, views and suggestions on this matter, do send them in .


By the way, I had written a letter to the editor then. I now reproduce it here for you to read and reflect:


“Dear Sir, your article was just hilarious. We need to take a cue from Limuru and make attempts to similarly ask our municipalities to take up the issue, of our city streets being littered with such mess daily, with the owners of animals like cows, bulls, donkeys, horses, dogs etc, if they don’t have funds to employ additional sweepers.( even those presently on rolls aren’t seen turning up ). Incidentally, like ” Gobar Gas Plants” such mess can be profitably be used for generating power, provided our municipal bosses have that much power to implement such suggestions. At the best, they may set up a committee to look into this matter. Sir, keep up the hilarity in our otherwise mundane lives ! Give us more !!”


 


the spider and the fly…..


I often invite my friends and collegues to my blog.Sometimes they come and get hooked ! Sometimes they just don’t come fearing to get hooked !

This reminds me of a cute little poem I learnt in school,long long ago…... Yes, it has a moral too….! 

 

The Spider and the Fly

 By : MARY HOWITT










“Will you walk into my parlour?”
Said the spider to the fly;
“’Tis the prettiest little parlour
That ever you did spy.
The way into my parlour
Is up a winding stair;
And I have many curious things
To show you when you’re there.”
“Oh, no, no,” said the little fly;
“To ask me is in vain;
For who goes up your winding stair
Can ne’er come down again.”

I’m sure you must be weary, dear,
With soaring up so high;
Will you rest upon my little bed?”
Said the spider to the fly.
“There are pretty curtains all around,
The sheets are fine and thin,
And if you want to rest awhile,
I’ll snugly tuck you in!”
“Oh, no, no,” said the little fly;
“For I’ve often heard it said,
They never, never wake again
Who sleep upon your bed!”

Said the cunning spider to the fly,-
“Dear friend, what can I do
To prove the warm affection
I’ve always felt for you?
I have within my pantry
Good store of all that’s nice;
I’m sure you’re very welcome-
Will you please to take a slice?”
“Oh, no, no,” said the little fly,
“Kind sir, that cannot be;
I’ve heard what’s in your pantry,
And I do not wish to see!”

“Sweet creature!” said the spider,
“Your’re witty and you’re wise;
How handsome are your gauzy wings,
How brilliant are your eyes!
I have a little looking-glass
Upon my parlour shelf;
If you’ll step in one moment, dear,
You shall behold yourself.”
“I thank you, gentle sir,” she said,
“For what you’re pleased to say,
And, bidding you good-morning now,
I’ll call another day.”

 

The spider turned him round about,
And went into his den,
For well he knew the silly fly
Would soon come back again.
So he wove a subtle web
In a little corner sly,
And set his table ready
To dine upon the fly.

Then he came out to his door again,
And merrily did sing,
“Come hither, hither, pretty fly,
With the pearl and silver wing;
Your robes are green and purple,
There’s a crest upon your head;
Your eyes are like the diamond bright,
But mine are dull as lead!”

Alas! alas! how very soon
This silly little fly,
Hearing his wily, flattering words,
Came slowly flitting by!
With buzzing wings she hung aloft,
Then near and nearer drew,
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes,
And green and purple hue-

Thinking only of her crested head-
Poor foolish thing! At last
Up jumped the cunning spider,
And fiercely held her fast.
He dragged her up his winding stair,
Into his dismal den:
Within his little parlour,-
But she ne’er came out again!

And now, dear little children
Who may this story read,
To idle, silly, flattering words,
I pray you ne’er give heed;
Unto an evil counsellor
Close heart and ear and eye,
And take a lesson from this tale
Of the Spider and the Fly.











 


 

 

         

 

 

 




Ode to BT…..


BUSINESS TODAY

 

The issue of BT dared 26th July 09 was quite interesting.

In appreciation, I wrote the following Ode to BT on 18th

July 09 and sent it to the Editor BT. I shall wait to see if

it is published in the next issue of BT or not.

 

      Nandan Nilekani

                                         Nandan Nilekani

 

Business Today

 

Dear Editor,here’s an Ode to BT :

 

ODE TO B.T.

 

Your issue dated 26th July

Titled “Going For Broke”

Gave me here a nudge

And there a little poke !

Your “Myth & Reality” Focus

On our scanty Monsoon

Was very apt and timely

And not a bit too soon.

Reading “How The Rich Deal

With Recession”

Sent my good mood

Into a deep depression !

While the worlds richest millionaires

Sail on yachts and fly

Luxury planes in the airs,

You and poor poor me

Aren’t a wee bit fine,

As we struggle to pay

Our Income “Tax-on-Line” !

Your sincere opinion on

“Railways on Fast Track

Deserve a hearty

Pat on your back.

The great cover story

On The Budget and its bloomers

Balance interview with

“Price Waterhouse Coopers “

Unique profile of Mister

Nandan Nilekani

Tasted like our own

Home grown “Daal Makhaani”

“Stop Kissing Frogs” will certainly

Make our Managers more bold,

“How Satyam Was Sold”

Was a “doosra” well-bowled !

Ah ! Yes ! Your Free “MORE”.

Was a heavenly piece of cake.

I wonder from where

You guys learnt how to bake !

Leggy “Mugdha Godse

Was cute and nice,

A virtual feast

For our sore eyes !

Yes, my heart did

A double-take,

I certainly didn’t fake.

She was the proverbial

Cherry on the cake !!

 

- J.S.BROCA

  NEW DELHI

 

                                                           

                                             Mugdha Godse 

 

PS: Note for the Editor :

 

Please don’t chop

My ode

Due to usual

Space constraints,

I implore you,Sir,

Its my labour of love

For BT- unrestrained  !!

 

Thanks

J .S.Broca

 









 


Aviation news and laughs….


The following news item was published in FE of 11.07.09

Jet terminates 43 trainee technicians.

Posted: 2009-07-11 15:40:45+05:30 IST
Updated: Jul 11, 2009 at 1540 hrs IST





                  


New Delhi: Jet Airways terminated the services of 43 trainee junior technicians on contract as part of its restructuring exercise in view of the challenges of the global financial downturn. “These personnel are on fixed term contracts and the notices have been issued in accordance to the terms of their contract and law,” a Jet Airways spokesperson said.
 
On reading the news item, I was reminded of some very funny quotes etc on the subject of aviation etc.: Don’t Attempt To Fly While You Laugh. !!
 
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. 

My first wife didn’t like to fly, either.— Gordon Baxter
 
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.— Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel
 
WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT:

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to do. That’s why there are so many pilots flying around these days.Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared it it’s foggy and they can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News..
 
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.— Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board. It was Mark Twain who said, “Never try and teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.”
 
Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old? — Anon
 
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.— George Bernard Shaw
 
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.— Mark Russell
 
The light at the end of the tunnel is another airplanes landing light coming down head-on to the runway you are taking off from.— Robert Livingston, ‘Flying The Aeronca.’
 
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?— Anon
 
I’ve flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?— Don Taylor
 
Newton’s Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander’s Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.— sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971
 
It was 1977 and we were on an old DC8 Air Ceylon coming in to Colombo, Ceylon from Bangkok. The landing approach was pretty bumpy, but the biggest bump was saved for when we hit the tarmac – a massive shudder and shake – at least I hoped it was the runway.. We were soon however airborne again and climbing steeply when a voice with a heavy Indian accent came over the PA as follows:I am sorry about the landing ladies and gentlemen, the pilot will now take over.— Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.
 
Muhammad Ali: Superman don’t need no seat belt.
Flight Attendant: Superman don’t need no airplane, either.— quoted by Clifton Fadiman, ‘The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes,’ 1985.
 
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has “deregulated” the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.— Dave Barry, ‘Iowa — Land of Secure Vacations.’
 
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. “Orville,” he said, “all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!” You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.— Dave Barry, ‘Sex and the Single Amoebae.’
 
Our headline ran, “Virgin screw British Airways.” We’d have rather preferred ‘British Airways screws Virgin,’ but we had to run with the facts.— News Editor, ‘The Sun’ newspaper.
 
If God had meant man to fly, He would never have given us the steam railway locomotive.— A Great Aviation Quotes reader’s late great aunt.
 
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.— Mel Brooks
 
If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control.— Lister, in the BBC TV series, ‘Red Dwarf.’
 
If God had meant Icarus to fly, she would have given him a cloudy day.— Leon M. Wise
 
If God had really intended men to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.— George Winters
 
In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours — one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.— Neil McElroy, ‘Look,’ 1958.
 
Insurer: It was pilot error.
Pilot: It was design error.
Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer.
Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.
A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the ‘glass cockpit’
 
I wanted to go back for another 50 missions, but they ruled it out because I had a case of malaria that kept recurring. So I had to stay in the States and teach combat flying. I was shot down by a mosquito!
— Frank Hurlbut, P-38 pilot.
 
United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.— Ed Thompson
 
If black boxes survive air crashes — why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?— George Carlin

Aviation Dictionary:
 
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy’s promotion party.

Roger: Used when you’re not sure what else to say.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

Stall – Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
 
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.
 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in “altitude-hold” mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You’ve just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it’s sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don’t step on ‘em so hard!

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore
 
A joke told repeatedly at aviation industry conferences puts a man and a dog in an airplane. The dog is there to bite the pilot if the man so much as tries to touch the controls; the pilot’s one remaining job is to feed the dog. Many aviation veterans have heard the joke so many times that is possible to tell those in the audience new to the industry by their laughter.— Gary Stix, in Scientific American, July 1991.
 
Hope you enjoyed the flight !!


 

Before I park my plane in the parking bay here is a cute letter from a young traveller abroad a plane:


 

See you soon….

 

             

Eurozone Jobless ….


Following news item appeared in Financial Express of 02.07.09 :

Euro Zone jobless rate balloons to 10-year high

London: The unemployment rate in the 16-nation euro zone ballooned to 9.5 per cent in May, the highest in 10 years, as the economies in the region continued to grapple with deepening recession. For the 16 countries sharing the common currency euro, the jobless rate is the highest since May 1999.


——————-

On reading the above news, my reaction was as under :

 

A famous song in our Bollywod film, I recall with a sigh,

Teri do takiyaan di naukri,mera laakhon ka saawan jaaye,” 

We lament the loss of jobs in India like in other countries,

“The situation in India is better”, says our humble mantri,

“Looking at the % of  all employed countrymen/women,

We are quite comfortable, lets thank the heavens,

We still have our daal,roti and chaawal to munch,

While Eurozone guys face the recessionary crunch, 

We have our gadgets,gizmos,cars and AC saloons,

While they fly their 10 year high unemployment balloons !

Lets say ‘Jai Ho’ for our poor aam aadmi, dear brother…. “

So saying,the minister flies off, in his own helicopter !!

—————-

Your comments,reactions,responses are welcome.

 

                                

           

Dr.Khan–Political Poetry !


This news item appeared in Financial Express on 11.07.09:

 

“Dr Shah Rukh Khan’ vows to help destitute children”

 

                              


Posted: 2009-07-11 12:46:38+05:30 IST
Updated: Jul 11, 2009 at 1246 hrs IST

London: Describing the Honorary Doctorate conferred on him by a leading British University as a “very very special honour”, Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan has pledged to utilise the recognition to further the cause of under-privileged children in India. “I promise to dedicate a large proportion of my time to do whatever within my capacity to further the cause of education among kids as a way of my thankfulness and gratitude for this honour,” Khan said after receiving the Doctorate in London in Friday evening.”Of course, starting with my kids….. “


——————

This tickled me into composing the following free/nonsense verse :

 

Hey,I am now Dr Khan, Dr Khan,

Of India, you know : Mera Bharat Mahan,

Blessed by an honorary videshi degree,

I have now joined a privileged pedigree,

Instead of usual filmy dialogues and songs,

I now utter such stuff to right some wrongs,

But, charity begins at home, you see,

So, I’ll first start teaching my kids for free …! 

——————

I intend to take up some more of such headlines,shortly.

I’ll label it “Political Poetry” or ” Industrial Poetry”. Suggestions,comments, responses are welcome.